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407.844.7979I rarely offer very much insight in to my personal life on my blog. It’s not that I’m not introspective at times, and I’m not trying to make the blog all sugar and gumdrops either…. but I have always preferred my blog to be about my work. Who I am as a photographer. Of course my personality is included in all of that, but I have a confession to make…. I am extremely insecure.
To my tight-knit group of friends, this isn’t much of a confession. I’m usually hiding behind things, or lurking in a corner somewhere with only my closest girls…. a far cry from how I spent most of my high school and college days. Those friends would remember me as someone who always wanted to hang out, grab a soda or a late-night run to Dennys. But I guess it’s all relative.
By nature, I’m a bit more shy than I’d like to be. I prefer small groups of friends to big parties, and you’ll sooner find me at Olive Garden with one of my girlfriends than out at a club.
But I saw a giant shift in my self-esteem back in college. When I was in my sophomore year of college I got really sick. No one knew what was wrong… the college clinic assumed Mono, doctors were clueless. I spent about a month in bed, missing classes, activities and my friends. I was in a near sleep como – finding it impossible to wake up long enough to eat a meal, much less walk to a class. I literally “woke up” about a month later, 90 lbs heavier and barely eating 300 calories a day. I knew something was wrong, but it would take nearly a year to find out what that was.
The summer, I was back in Ohio and seeing a specialist who diagnosed me with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). Beyond the weight gain, and what I found out was a natural-sugar coma, it’s not the best thing in the world….. making it 3 times as hard for me to lose weight as the normal person, I may not ever be able to have children, and have to continuously watch for cysts on my ovaries, along with some other random complications. It’s genetic (or believed to be) and there is no cure. It’s on-set by traumatic stress and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. So I live with it. Se la vie.
My life had taken a drastic turn from 110 lbs., 5’9″ and a 16-year competitive dancer — to 200 lbs. seemingly overnight. I used to love being in front of the camera, and enjoyed the attention. I’ve been fortunate to channel that behind the camera – pouring my heart and soul in to the shoots that I do… especially fashion.
I feel like I’m getting to live my life again when I shoot my fashion work. It’s a desire, an energy, to be something you once were. If you could step back in time and be that person again… would you? And if you had the opportunity to do it whenever you wanted – could you see yourself there? When I shoot fashion, it’s like I can feel every ounce of who I was in front of me. I look back at the photos and remember my exact feelings from directing the location, the fashion and the expression or mood of the model. It’s like a personal digital diary. And not only do I get to shoot it… I get to live it, even for that moment.
Suddenly, I’m transformed. I’m a size 2, standing in a field of wild flowers and horses, in this wide open world, and yet I feel so contained within myself. I want to run, and explore – but I’m fearful to leave the safety of what I know. I feel every insecurity in that moment. And I capture it.
So when you look at my fashion work – I hope this gives you a little more insight into where it comes from and why I shoot it. Why I’m passionate for it, and why my heart breaks for it. I’m hoping that it will also help you to understand about my surgery today. I’ll be posting more on that, and this journey, in the coming weeks.
So if you’re friends of family, leave a little comment about the kind of person I am… or was… or will be. And fellow readers, share some of your confessions, too. It feels good to let them out 
- jennifer frances: I think you’re an amazing person inside and out. We all feel the same and struggle with our own battles…and its just so great that you can express yourself though your art. You always inspire me….speedy recovery.
- Kristin Hubbard: Kristen – I’ve only heard about you through the grapevine of our orlando wedding vendor collegues, but it’s great to get to know you a little better without meeting you through your blog. I appreciate the openness and the realness of you as a person.
- Janet: Kristen- that is so brave of you to share. And only those who have suffered are authentic. One of the other sides of creativity is self doubt and pain and an awakened sensitivity. You use all that to the max in your work. Keep being that great role model to our girls. And check out my current favorite for healthy living- Fit for Life. It may help. I can’t wait to see what you create next!Janet
- KariAnne: I’m not even sure how I came across your blog but I am continually amazed by your work. I don’t know that we could even really live much further apart. I live in southeastern Washington State. I guess my #1 confession could be that I am a photography blog stocker. I take photos for enjoyment as I am an architectural designer by day.I am very touched by your post. As I too have PCOS. I just found out about 2 years ago and I am 34. Its nice to finally know what is wrong with me. Losing weight is doable but it is a bear! I am almost always tired and very irritable at times. Now that I know what it is its manageable.I was just married 3 short weeks ago and have yet to give the baby thing a go, but I am aware that it may be just as difficult as losing weight. But, If I’m meant to have a child, I will.Hang in there, I think knowing what the issue is, is the biggest hurdle. Thank you for inspiring people like me, even on the other side of the country!
- Caro: I met you at a wedding you shot for my friend and I’ve admired your work ever since.Your passion really comes through in your photographs. Praying that your surgery goes well and a speedy recovery.
- Noelle: love. always.
- Stephie: Kristen. Thatnk you for being honest with who you are. I also have PCOS and this helps me to hear I’m not the only one. God has blessed me with 2 miracle babies whom I love to no end. I am also one who loves to live through my photography. Thank you again for your honesty.
and God bless. - Justin DeMutiis: Wow… This images and the rest of your fashion portfolio blow my mind and simply inspire me. But the real wow comes from your story. You may feel insecure, but you are unbelievably strong and so willing to help others. I have so much respect for you.
- Michelle Guzman: Wow. You are amazing!
- Angie: You are a passionate, talented, beautiful woman! An inspiration to many. Thats the person i have come to know and admire! YOu have a BIG heart of gold and the people who truly get to know you will be suprised at just how humble you really are. The rest of the world is waiting on their turn to see your talent. Go get em girl!** THIS is my fav blog!** XoXo!
- Natalie Lambert: Kristen,I first came to know of you through April Dorsey’s raves. I also have PCOS and have had the same struggles, once remembering complaining about being a size 8 and now complaining about the 1 in front it. I struggled with infertility and decided to adopt, only to have a miracle baby without trying some 5 years later out of the blue! LOLI can honestly, whole heartedly say I totally understand how you feel. We are in an industry about image and beauty and it is hard to put our game faces on when we feel like we do at times.Hold on to the person you are on the inside, and through the expression you create on the outside and at the end of the day – making fun of myself and being self depricating always works for me.Thanks for sharing – not only your stunning images with the world, but for opening up about you personally. Too often we only see the glossy corporate persona of professionals, and it is nice to know we are all human.
) - Rick: We all have this in some way or another. We cover it up, dress it up, present it in anyway possible, without really confronting it. It somehow feeds off of us…slowly draining us. But, you have taken this and turned into something strong, An opposite..A drive that carried you to places you might not would have achieved had it not happened. I deal with my insecurities though writing about my divorce and the life that comes with being single again. Through this solitude I channel it into my photography of the back roads of the South, much like your passion for fashion..don’t ever slow down nor ever look back Kristen..Your much stronger than you think. You have shown it in your work…..
- Bethany: Thank you so much for opening this window, for all of us to see, inside your soul…. to see what make you YOU. I think we all have our insecurities for one reason or another. I know I am. I’ve had the unfortunate luck in life, to have very few relationships that have actually stood the test of time. Not romantic… just relationships in general. So that has left me feeling vulnerable. I feel like I need to morph into the people I meet, to be accepted by them. It’s not a good feeling. I am thankful that my photography has opened the social door for me in many ways, allowing me to make new (and what I hope will be long-lasting) friendships. Wow.. you’re right… it feels amazing to actually put your confession into words! It’s quite liberating!
- Sheri: Hugs. <3
- Lauren: Kristen, thank you for opening up. I know we’ve only spent a little time together, but I feel fortunate to know you and have a relationship with you. You are such a pleasant person to be around, and so incredibly talented. You my dear, are awesome.
- ANR: I only know you from your work…and you are beautiful inside and out. A piece of you is in every image you take, and every image is a work of beautiful art. Good luck with your recovery from surgery today.
- April: I am glad to know a little bit more about your passion and why you are so insightful. You are really an amazing person to be around! I am blessed <3
